Guerby (guerbyfreak) wrote,

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No Matter What... Does It Even Matter.

I feel really hurt, right now. If that was the intended purpose of your entry, success for you! Congratulations, pat yourself on the back! No, I'm feeling a bit bitter, the sarcasm is intended to ease the weight of my turbulent emotions. I guess I deserve to feel this way, I mean, i did a really horrible thing to people who were really fucking great to me.

My day started off pretty great, I had a meeting with my college coordinator, then went to my CST (Computer Service Tech) class and I passed a A+cert practice exam (Which means I'm ready to ace that bitch!), then I came to the college, with a full plate of things to do, critique 3 essays, do 20 math problems, read two chapters out of my Psych book, and even try out for this play. Damn, I was really excited about today, even with the hefty work load!

Then, I decide to catch up on the weekend of posting, before I set to work. I eventually came across one particular entry, that left me feeling unhinged. I felt so upset I just shut down the browser and walked away from the computer. I stepped outside, cause I felt so sick to my stomach, I thought I might very well hurl my breakfast. I attempted to read one of my essays, but my mind could not focus, for the feelings that whirled around my body, gave me no peace.

I found myself, belittling myself, beating myself emotionally and spiritually. I was once again chipping away at the little self-esteem and self-respect I had managed to cultivate for myself over the past few months. I felt as if I needed to deal with these emotions somehow. I needed to confront this somehow, or I would remain in a mental state of disarray.

Then I remembered my Anthem:

God will take you through hell, just to get you to heaven
So even though it's heavy, the load I will carry
Grin and still bear it, win and still share it
Apologies to my friends, I hope you can understand it
Life can change your direction, even when you ain't planned it
All you can do is handle it, worst thing you can do is panic
Use it to your advantage, avoid insanity manage
To conquer every obstacle, make impossible possible
Even when winning's illogical, losing is still far from optional

I don't know how well I confronted the situation, I don't even know if it was the right thing to do. All i know is that I've coped with it. Or, at least, I'm finally feeling ready to cope with the past, to confront those demons and not have them overpower me.

I don't feel as bad as I did earlier, but i do still feel quite a sting in my soul. It no longer feels like a searing branding rod labeling me a horrible miserable person, more like a annoying itch that is underneath a cast. I guess, those comments really hurt cause I'd never heard them, or rather, It's been a while since I heard them. Was I just ignoring the pain I feel? It seemed as if those wounds I've tried to mend were tore asunder, and the emotions that I had buried came gushing forth to quickly for me to handle all at once.

I stopped doing drugs so that I wouldn't have to mask my emotions. I battled with myself to face the monster in me. I'm still fighting, and that post only served as ammo for that monster-within to strike me with. I think I just took it way to personally... Yep, still an emotional wreck though I am working towards making myself a better person everyday. Just another one of those battles, the war will continue.

I really wish I could make things right. At times, I desperately wish things were still the same as those olden days. I find there are many people here at Job Corp that have distinct character traits similar to my old friends. Occasionally, I lapse into a state of reminiscence and smile fondly, or laugh out loud at those memories. Soon afterwards, there is nothing but a bitter feeling within my gut and a horrible sense of lost and grief. The reality, the truth, the real weight of the past rest so heavy on my shoulders, I'm only now developing the strength to carry it without it crushing me.

So I guess, kudos for me right? Whatever. This sense of bitterness will probably remain with me for the remainder of the day. Great, I'll just have to grin and still bear it!

I guess no amount of Preparation-H can ease all feelings of butt-hurt.
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